Lost

I lost
-my daughter, the biggest piece of my heart and my favorite person I have ever met. She lived for 22 days.
-the little faith I had left in the goodness of the universe (I was always thinking of the bad things that could happen, but now I really believe they will)
-the warm love circle between my baby and me, her sending me her tiny love and me glowing fiercely back at her. Now it just pours out of me into nothingness.
-enjoying talking to my family and friends and updating them, giving them a little window into my life.
-giving advice on pregnancy and childbirth, I love to talk about my experiences usually but no one wants to hear about your pregnancy with your dead kid.
-late summer days with her in my arms, sitting under lazy trees and showing her how beautiful nature can be.
-sending her to the summer camp where her father and I met, where she could learn to think and do for herself.
-graduating from medical school on time, with my classmates.
-living in a house filled with mess and laughter and screaming and crying and chaos. My house is so quiet.
-being a mom. This is probably the most controversial one, but Kestrel was my first child and I feel that I am not a mom anymore. People keep trying to reassure me that I am a mom because she existed and her spirit is with me, but I am so filled with aching mothering feelings that I can't express. I don't get to do any motherthings, my life is empty and I am alone, I don't feel like any kind of mother I know. I feel like there should be another word for what I am. Not quite a mother, not quite childless. Maybe there is some kind of very long German word for this; I wish I knew.